Searching the million corners

I am in need of something. I feel restless like I need to run. The ache is there, making my muscles itch under my skin and my mind churn around and around, in a desperate search for something still without identity. I constantly make lists, at work at home, in the car, to try to remember, try to organize, try to see the big picture clearly. It is not that I am unhappy. In fact, I believe that it is in this weird time in my life when so much is changing, when I can see my future, the future I want, open up, that has brought on this need to come out from under this weight. I am happy. But I could be happier. Or perhaps a more peaceful happy. I have always lived with too many questions, not enough faith, too much living for "when" instead of "now," too much anxiety and not enough peace. And like skin forgets the cloth of a shirt, I have forgotten there was any other way. It just is. This is my life. But I have found that it doesn't have to be that way. Kevin is the opposite. Extremely laid back, he shrugs about what to have for dinner, when we have to leave and what we can't forget. I....have made a list and I'm already worried about being late. He doesn't fret about what cannot be changed, he sits in calm to watch TV or read a book. I live in constant fear -terror, really- of my mortality and as I watch TV or read a book, most often a part of my brain is thinking about 17 other things at the same time. It is true that I am aware of all of this. I can feel it in my tense shoulders that I have to conciously let fall from my ears, my aching body that starves to be rubbed and my running mind that needs to make lists. But I can learn how to change. I can learn to allow myself to be free from my own mind. I don't want to search. I don't want to worry. I don't want to wonder. I don't want to fear. I want to be able to be quiet within myself and happy there. I want to be still without the urge to run or hide or speak. I want to be less angry and more compassionate, less anxious and more patient. I want to be fully present in my life when things are good and when they're tough but more importantly be ok with all of it.

The last line of my favorite poem, "The Invitation" is this:

"I want to know if you can be alone with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments."

A very close girlfriend gave me a prayer box necklace for Christmas 2006. This poem was printed on a tiny, tiny little scroll then rolled up super tight and placed in the miniature box. This is one of my most treasured possessions. To wear around my neck, against my heart, the words that I want so much to live means so much to me. I'm not even sure my friend knows how much.

Oh to have empty moments. The quiet rhythm of my breath, peace in my body, my mind.

My promise to myself - formatted in a nice little list.
take another yoga class
work out on a regular basis - break a sweat, feel my muscles work then ache two days later - the good pain.
write more (thus the blog) about how I feel, what I want and my progress. And read more.
spend more time with people I love and more time getting to know people I have yet to love.

In time, I hope to find my peace and unconditional happiness. This is the stuff with which I want to fill the million corners of my life. The good and bad, the happy and sad, the calm and chaotic.....I will be fully present and at peace with all of it.